It was a lovely Halloween day in Toronto. The city was a buzz with official news from Toronto Police Services that they were in possession of a video of our adorable mayor just doing his job. In this instance it was connecting with his constituents who just so happened to be a couple of drug dealers doing their job.
After I’d consumed all the news I could about this major development in the Ford drama I was hungry. I hooked up with my fave man, Phil Luzi and we went to the Leslieville Pumps for a triple decker grill cheese and pea meal bacon sandwich. That was a pork & cheese pump deluxe sensation! If you haven’t been to the Leslieville Pumps it’s a gas station at Queen and Carlaw that serves up some of the best road food in town. After that we headed on over to the Value Village to digest and browse the costume aisle. Nothing sparked our fancy so we left. Sometimes the amalgamated body odour that is omnipresent at Value Village can really wreak havoc on my emotions.

We exit the store and start to make our way east along Queen Street when all of a sudden a tall blonde demon of a mother running towards me on thesidewalk with her baby jogger yelled at me to get out of her way. I had no choice but to move cause she was gonna run me over. This woman was a mean son of a bitch.

She stormed past me, leaving only a trail of post-partum dust. I was furious. She was not going to get away with this so I yelled back,  “You’re not supposed to be running on the sidewalk!!!!”

And then she called me a fat cunt.

I stood there with my mouth wide open. I couldn’t move at first cause those words hit me hard. I got so self-conscious that I even looked down at my twot to see if it appeared heavier that day but I was wearing leggings and a long top. There’s no way she could tell how big or small my vaginal area was. I quickly realized she was calling my whole person a fat cunt. And then all my insecurities from childhood rose up to the surface. I used to get teased as a kid for being ‘fat’ and it was torture. Add the word cunt to fat and you’ve just declared war.

I’ll admit my cunt is fatter than hers. It’s true. I noted this when I caught a glimpse of her backside. It was hollow between her legs. The kind of hollow where you can see the other side of the street. The truth about things that are hollow is that there’s nothing inside. You may not be able to see between my legs but there’s substance there. This woman was just a self-righteous bag of bones. And bones belong either in the compost or six feet under.

Oh wait there’s more. The reason this mother was so adamant for me to get out of her way was because she wanted to catch up to her friend who was also running on the sidewalk with her baby jogger.

Wait a minute here breeders! I’m all for exercise and running and getting into shape especially after childbirth. I’m a runner myself. But running with your baby jogger on the sidewalk beside another mother with her baby jogger is pure jerk. Pure ass. Pure douche!

Leslieville is crawling with babies. They’re mostly cute. I even know a couple of them personally and am proud to call them my friends. I’m happy that my neighbourhood is full of new life but disturbed that some parents feel they have more of a right to it than I do. This is our community. Together we make it liveable. No one is entitled to it. Ever!

So beware Leslievillians of this raging woman with a cold heart and a hollow cunt. She’ll knock anyone down who gets in her way. But be strong and fight back cause she’s the kind of poison we need to get rid of in this town.