I used to use Febreze like a maniac. I’d spray my couches, my curtains, the carpets, smoky blouses and of course the AIR. Oh the air, how it gets tainted by life.
Whatever fabric I could find, I’d Febreze it. I febreezed with the kind of zealousness usually relegated to a Jehovah’s Witness or a Christian Crusader. Just in case I wasn’t home to spray, my ever so reliable Febreze Plug-in would pump a summer breeze into the air like clock work. If you’re not into summer breezes don’t worry, you can choose from a dizzying list of scentsations like Falling Leaves, Winter Frost, Sandalwood and Soothe, Fluffy Vanilla, Warm Milk and Honey, Linen and Sky and so on and so on and so on and so on.
What the hell does Winter Frost smell like and why would you want the smell of outside inside? That’s the point of inside, it’s inside. Leave the outside to the outside. I’m sure many people still without power are wishing the outside would leave the inside of their house.
And Linen and Sky? When have those two things ever been companions? It probably was the brainchild of some Procter & Gamble exec who just so happened to be wearing linen pants on a flight to a business meeting drunk on cheap wine and bloated from soy nuts. When he looked outside his airplane window to see the sky he was so impressed he farted… naturally. Worried that it would offend the other passengers, he lowered his head to take a whiff and saw his linen pants for the first time. He thought to himself now that’s a smell I can sell. And I bought it.
I wasn’t the only one. In fact everyone was Febreezing the god-damn out of their stuff. It was the Febreze revolution. You could kill the funk in the air with just a couple of sprays and Breathe Happy™ – the feel good slogan by Proctor & Gamble, the makers of Febreze. Everywhere I went I would find a Febreze can. In people’s homes, at the office, in cars and most significantly in the bathroom – a saviour to a deadly dump. With Febreze you could take a shit and forget about it.
The person after you in the bathroom no longer had to endure your stink train. It was a win win for every ass and hole.
Febreze had so won over the hearts and minds of its customers that it became synonymous with the adjective ‘spray’. You didn’t spray your house with Febreze, you just febrezed it. A real win for a brand, like Fedex and Xerox before them.
Then something changed. I would often have swollen glands and feel listless – a side effect usually attributed to pharmaceutical drugs. It means lacking energy or enthusiasm; lethargic, spiritless, unenergetic, lifeless. Why would the makers of Febreze want me to feel lifeless and spiritless? This confounded me on a very deep level. Reports started coming out that attributed various neurological diseases to air fresheners like Febreze. So I unplugged all my plug-ins and let my outlets breathe happy.
From that point on I made a commitment to try and remove all chemicals from my house. Why would I support a company who knowingly puts poison in their products and then has the balls to sell them to me? Those are big balls! And I’m not gonna pay for big ball attitude.
I didn’t know this at the time but there are 87 toxic demons floating around in one tin can of Frebeze dying to invade your air. I’ll include a partial list here for your afternoon tea: Hexadecaneor diesel fuel additive; Trimethyl PentanylDiisobutyrate or nail polish plasticizer; Diethylene Glycol Monoethyl Etheror anti-freeze additive; Dioxane (a pesticide Monsanto patented in 1953).
For you history buffs out there, Dioxane, also known as Agent Orange was used by the United States military as part of its herbicidal warfare program, Operation Ranch Hand, during the Vietnam War. They sprayed nearly 20 million gallons of this stuff over Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam. The aim was to defoliate forested and rural land which eliminated guerillas of cover and the ability of peasants to support themselves.
Who knew the inside of a Febreze can was laden in such a dark and evil past.
The fact that Monsanto is heavily embroiled in this noxious concoction makes this famous deodorizer an enemy to us all. With a partner like Monsanto there are no limits to where this sinister symbiosis can go. I can’t even imagine what these monsters are planning next.
If this isn’t enough to leave you breathless, their ad campaigns most certainly have.
Everything from fishes swimming into living rooms, women sniffing upholstery in ecstasy, two blindfolded chicks smelling dirty blankets and soiled pillows in a crack den. It’s a farse.
The fish in the living room scenario is my favourite. You might remember this. A family is sitting in their living room doing their thing when all of a sudden a fish comes swimming through. The 12 month old baby notices it and is disgusted. Then the little boy sees it and asks his father what it is. The father makes a face and says it’s last night’s dinner and the mother looks guilty. The father takes out the Febreze can, sprays the air and the fish disappears. The mother is relieved and the family is back to normal.
Watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udCZcdJbync
In the Spanish version the wife is running around the living room holding a huge fish by its fins trying to find a place to hide it. Finally she throws the fish under the couch cushion beside her husband, sits on it and pretends like nothing is rotting under ass. The wife sprays Febreze and the fish disappears. Fresca freganzia!
Watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkki4DK7hFw
In the harsh smelly world that Febreze is claiming to eliminate, I pondered what this fish represented and then it came to me… her vagina. If you have a smelly vagina, you can just take out a Febreze can, spray it and poof… no more vagina.
In their holiday campaign this year Febreze is asking customers to Bring the season to life with their line of holiday scents. The kitchen is an area they suggest in a press release where true holiday scents may be lacking. “If you simply don’t have time to bake… but crave the cozy and familiar aromas of seasonal baking, Scentstories’ Celebrate the Holidays Disc, features scents such as mulling cranberry cider, baking holiday pies, making a gingerbread house, and cookies warm from the oven. They can help make your home smell like you’ve been baking since dawn.”
These people are mimicking the real scent of life by lacing it with poison. This is criminal and must be punished.
Hey Febreze if you’re listening, maybe you should change your tagline to reflect what you’re truly up to. How about: Bring the season to death with these new killer scents cause you know that each spray slowly evaporates away my life and hands it over to you. Happy Holidays!